OH NO! IT’S AN AVALANCHE!

Hello again,

Well it seems I’ve attracted some unwarranted attention. No, no, not from an avalanche of eligible bachelors that have been cast under my bewitching spell of arrogance and tracksuits. No Siree, Bob! I have been contacted by another site that thought I might be interested in, wait for it, A SUGAR DADDY. It is a dating website for, and I quote, “Rich Men and Hot Women.”

This single invitation has generated so many questions:

The obvious one: how did they know? No, I’m joking. I have never understood the Sugar Daddy concept. On top of the fact that I think IT’S GROSS, there is no amount of money that could buy me a partner. I’m not trying to be humble (that would be out of character).  Think about it: What if they had a whistling nostril? What if they said “Yeah, baby, yeah!” Austin Powers style, all the time? What if they used crystal deodorant?

I am currently writing this on the train and there is B.O. thinly veiled by the smell of crystal deodorant. And somehow, over time, it has only become stronger, not weaker, like some post-match soccer ghost is rubbing its armpit in my face. There is no amount of money that would make me tolerate that if I didn’t love the shit out of someone. We all have our faults, (sometimes I walk around with my eyes closed to see how long I can trust in my sense of balance) but I want to see past those flaws because I have sincere feelings for someone, then over time I can resent them because of familiarity and the fact that we’ve settled on eating dinner in front of the TV, not because THEY PAID FOR MY STUFF. And I’m no rich woman. I lick the inside of the yoghurt lid so as to get all of the value, but I earn enough so that I can be financially self-sufficient. I don’t want to be owned by someone, or have someone own my things. I worked hard to pay for my series of Spice Girls stickers and Beverly Hills 90210 badges, thank you very much. (That last one is a lie. They were a gift last year, from my mother. I’m 32. )

Second question: how does a sugar daddy work? Do they just buy you stuff or do you ask for specifics? It all seems so poorly thought out to me. Assuming they buy the stuff for you, what if they have terrible taste? Let’s paint a hideous stereotype:

There’s a sweaty, grossly overweight man with a comb-over, whitened/enlarged teeth, cosmic orange tan, strangling his way into some Speedos, ornamented with a lot, I mean A LOT of semi-precious stones and gold jewellery, and he is eating a 24 piece bucket of KFC chicken. No refresher towelettes. He is your sugar daddy, okay?*

Is this the man I want to have buy me things? I’ve never worn dangly earrings by the pool (my immune system closed over every piercing I’ve ever had) and I have no interest in being Vagazzled, but I feel like both of these things would be thrown my way in the first 2 weeks. How do you broach that conversation?

“Listen, Jerry, you’re a real swell dude, and I appreciate the gifts…ah you have some chicken grease on your face…anyway, as I was saying, I was wondering if we could tone back the gaud, and maybe focus on some more practical gifts?”

“You mean like a fish pedicure?”

“…I’m not sure we’re on the same page here.”

Third question: if you do request things, how does that take place? A weekly meeting? A shopping list? During sex? Oh god. Feral. I just had a spew. I’m sorry if you did too. I’m just saying, how do you ask for infomercial Box  Set of 101 Soft Rock Classics from a man that wears a blackhead strip to bed? It’s a tricky convo to initiate.

Lastly: the invitation said that all photos and profiles are censored and discerned by the website. And it actually states, you don’t have to be rich to join. That means you have to be hot to join. What if you’re not hot enough? What a blow to the old self-esteem. I’m not hot enough for a sugar daddy? I’m not hot enough for The Colonel and his 12 secret herbs and spices? Man, dating is hard enough, let alone realising that I’m not good enough for people I’m embarrassed for.

I’ll be interested to see if and more invites come flowing through. No doubt, I’ll keep you posted.

Peace out.

*I’m not saying that any one of these traits, or even this combo of traits is always disgusting and I apologise to anyone who looks like this or feels like they are being portrayed in a bad light because of their physical appearance. To be fair though, at least get a serviette.

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ONLINE MATING

As a new person to online mating I have quickly learnt things. Nothing that I should have to take on board, of course…all the things that other people (ie some dudes) should maybe take note of. The thing is, writing a description of yourself, without sounding like a massive tool, is hard; like calculating gradients, or opening plastic packaging on scissors. But it’s worth it, right? That’s why we’re here – to try to show our best selves. We can learn about the endless, delightful neuroses when we meet for coffee! (NB: wash your hands thoroughly beforehand, and if you touch my right shoulder remember to touch my left one as well.) So here are some handy hints from the unsuccessful guide of Felicity –

1)   Try to avoid clichés. These include – a picture of you at a music festival, a picture of you acculturating in Thailand, a picture of you snow boarding on an Alp. All great things, but if you spend 5minutes (or 4 hours, depending how thoroughly you are scouring) you will see that every Tom, Prick and Don’tMarry has a picture that looks very the same as yours. Why not try the picture of you at Devonshire Tea, getting intrusive surgery, or that one of you suffering an emotional hangover having thrown your new Mac at the wall as you realise all the music you’ve ever bought is on “The Cloud” and you can’t remember your password.

2)   Clichés, Part Deux: Try to keep “a passion for cinema and music and travel” as economically written as possible. I know it has to be written; I put it in too. I’ll assume you’re a sociopath if you don’t. But don’t bang on about it.

What else can you do that I don’t know about? Can you do the splits without crying? Can you dismantle a pram without aggressively shaking it at some point? If you’ve walked out on a family BBQ because backyard cricket “got too real” I want to know about it. God’s in the details.

3)   Don’t start with ‘well I guess this is the part where I write about myself eh?’ Or ‘My friends say that I can’t leave this part blank’ Or ‘Hmmm, what to say about me…’

You know what guys? Sort your shit out before you take to the keyboard. All that ‘hilarious’ thinking you’re doing on the page, which you want me to read as ‘quirky’ and ‘vulnerable’ and ‘self-reflective’ comes across as ‘no real sense of humour’, ‘disingenuous’ and ‘may not be able to lift me up while we have sex’. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that’s what I’m taking away from the piece. I’m a little person, it shouldn’t be too much to ask.

4)   Don’t include pictures of you and hot bitches you once dated. It stinks of insecurity. Reverse psychology and playing hard to get have no place on a dating website. In fact, they’re designed so that single people (not always) can avoid that bullshit. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ve dated in the past, and if you haven’t, I’m not going to hold that against you. But putting in pictures of you and two, drunk chicks fawning all over you don’t float my boat. If anything, they make me want to ignore the boat and see which other boats might be more seaworthy.

5)   Don’t include pictures of you and hot bitches. This is not a typo. I’ve just seen it so many times that I feel it needs reiterating.

6)   I get it; you’ve done a marathon. For every sensible picture of you plastered in a tuxedo at your mate’s wedding is a hero shot of you breaking the finishing line with your arms in the air. BTDubs: Sneaking in the charity’s name? Very clever. But bad news; I hate joggers, so you are just a jogger that likes it for heaps longer than usual. Buh bow.

7)   Pictures of your dilated pupils, wearing metallic face paint and a fluorescent headband gives me a pretty clear idea as to your recreational hobbies. Please keep these photos in; my ‘dickometer’ isn’t as sharp as it used to be.

8)   Put your real height. If I’m shallow enough that a minimum height is necessary, and you want to see if you can negotiate around that with personality, you don’t have a very high opinion of yourself (no pun intended). You should be with a woman who loves you for who you are; I am not that woman. I am a paradoxical feminist who has held onto an archaic, irrelevant, sexist dogma that the man should be taller than the woman. It’s the only weird tradition that I hold onto. No, I have no idea why. Possibly because all the men I have dated have been quite tall so I think kissing without painfully craning your neck to be weird and unnatural. If other women/men combos don’t adhere to this, I applaud you. You’re the normal ones. This really is not you, it’s me.

9)   In your “what you’re looking for” section don’t put the names of other women. It says, “what you’re looking for” not “looking at”. We all have a physical type we’re attracted to, and sometimes a celebrity will personify that type. Great. I’m glad you’ve learnt that about yourself – now stick it in your wank bank, where it will have a nurturing home and tell me what you want in my brain or personality. You’re going to know whether you like my face/body when you look at my photos, and if you’re not into it, then you won’t contact me – mission accomplished.

10) Avoid pictures of you wearing a hat at any cost, and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT USE THAT FOR YOUR PROFILE PICTURE. Hats say three things: I bought this on holidays and am trying to work it uncomfortably into my everyday life, I participate in detective role-playing games at the weekends or I’m bald. I gots no problem with a bald dude, but I want to know what I’m walking into. And for our vacationing brothers – a fedora is a bold choice for anyone to be photographed in so I’m going to assume you’re either super confident or super deluded. Will I be curious enough to find out the answer? Prolly not.

11) Don’t mention your sister too much. I’ve seen a lot of sister chat. I really like that you’re close to your sister, that you get along with and respect women, but sometimes I get the feeling she’s gonna be on our first date. Strangely, the hovering judgement of a sibling is not a turn on, so try to keep it to a single mention.

12) Call me cray cray, but maybe don’t write that you kept the animals at the recent end of your long-term relationship. Not joking: I’ve seen photos of custody cats more than three times. Why is this helpful to anyone? This is the Good Ship Fresh Start! We all have baggage, but most of us are at least standing in front of the bulging cupboard doors we have crammed it into. Can’t you at least pretend that this is not a bandaid to get you to the next D & M about Connie’s favourite box set?

So these are just my guidelines, not hard and fast rules. In fact given that I’ve not been on a single date in the weeks that I’ve been online (I won’t call it online dating until I’ve been on one) maybe don’t listen to anything I’ve said at all.

It’s courageous stuff putting yourself out there in the first place, and I wish people more luck than I have had in giving it a red, hot go!

 

Sexy Goggle Face

Hey Dudes! Yeah, I’m still sayin’ dudes.

(Listen to this while you’re reading. It will give it the sense of ceremony it deserves, I reckon)

After some deliberation and beration (Not a real word, yeah!) I have done this thing. I will include things that I write on here and hopefully they will be now more presentable as my website sometimes makes my writing look like the scribblings of a madman…with decent  design skills.

So maybe I’ll write stuff on here and you will read it. Let’s face it, there will be dick jokes and swearing and faux intellect. Hope you’re into that sort of thing. Here’s a complimentary picture of me in Hong Kong trying not to be culturally insensitive.

Me in Hong Kong