Same Chick, Different DaY

On the homepage, of the particular online dating website I’m putting my rapidly declining Australian dollars into, is a small gallery of faces. Faces, like me, who are desperate to prove that they are the best. Faces that say “hey guys, I’m easy going and funny and just happened to have been snapped at my most beautiful, most relaxed moment – HOLLA!” It’s like a ‘best of’ for loneliness. I don’t know how you get on the homepage gallery, but then again I don’t know how to get the “Official” blue tick on twitter or how to part my hair properly. (I haven’t included that in my profile – am I actively lying?) But there is one lady who has figured it out. And I see her every time I log on.

She’s been there for two weeks. Every day I go to the website (don’t judge me! Writing can be boring), centre-stage is the same thousand mile stare looking back at me suggesting I’ve done something wrong with my face, by the fact that I am not on there.

Now I’m sure the word ‘jealousy’ is popping into people’s minds. Sure: she’s 24 and hasn’t had the onslaught of disappointment and intermittent insomnia that will eventually befall her with time. Actually, she looks like one of those people that says, “I don’t really get hangovers.” She has an avalanche of hair and she is bubbly. That’s how I would describe her picture: down-to-earth and bubbly. But it’s not her age or beauty that bothers me. It’s rules, goddammit!

There has to be some kind of system! Some kind of rotation!

Something I have included on my profile is that I’m more competitive than I’d like to admit. A simple example of this is that I had an ex-boyfriend one day spontaneously take me to a golf range. I was so excited. What a great idea! I used to hit golf balls with Dad as a kid in the park, so this would be a lovely stroll down memory lane. Well I took 3 swings down memory lane and realised I was actually on struggle street. Then I was the Mayor of This is Bullshit town. Then I quit politics all together and sat in the car. Granted, that was a long time ago, but I think the sentiment of that sporting tantrum still lingers within. So when I see ALL the faces on this wall change every couple of days, except for Pantene Penny I lose my cool, triple bogey style.

Side note: WHO NEEDS TO DO ONLINE DATING AT AGE 24? You’re still in your “I can drink my standards away” phase. I have no such luxury. When I leave a bar I am as sober as I was when I went in. There’s no “maybe I can see past the double dragon shirt. There’s no “he’s probably sweaty because he’s been dancing…with his mates…mime bumming them…while he’s wearing a nurse’s dress.” And certainly no, “I’ll worry about the fact that he’s doing a public dick hamburger in the morning.” I have to deal with everything then and there, so online dating places are for people like me.

You become almost accustomed to the people you like the most not looking at your profile back. You become hardened to it. It’s actually really good practice for walking the streets of London. You smile. They stare through you. Life imitating…life. But when someone gets a hold of a virtual step-ladder and they’re not letting the grogans have a borrow? Well that I just cannot abide. I don’t care how many chestnut farms it looks like your family owns.

So I want one of two things to change:

a)    that Martha Stewart goes back to her own page and bakes some humble pie there
b)   she reads this blog and helps a sister out.

Stand by for results.







As a new person to online mating I have quickly learnt things. Nothing that I should have to take on board, of course…all the things that other people (ie some dudes) should maybe take note of. The thing is, writing a description of yourself, without sounding like a massive tool, is hard; like calculating gradients, or opening plastic packaging on scissors. But it’s worth it, right? That’s why we’re here – to try to show our best selves. We can learn about the endless, delightful neuroses when we meet for coffee! (NB: wash your hands thoroughly beforehand, and if you touch my right shoulder remember to touch my left one as well.) So here are some handy hints from the unsuccessful guide of Felicity –

1)   Try to avoid clichés. These include – a picture of you at a music festival, a picture of you acculturating in Thailand, a picture of you snow boarding on an Alp. All great things, but if you spend 5minutes (or 4 hours, depending how thoroughly you are scouring) you will see that every Tom, Prick and Don’tMarry has a picture that looks very the same as yours. Why not try the picture of you at Devonshire Tea, getting intrusive surgery, or that one of you suffering an emotional hangover having thrown your new Mac at the wall as you realise all the music you’ve ever bought is on “The Cloud” and you can’t remember your password.

2)   Clichés, Part Deux: Try to keep “a passion for cinema and music and travel” as economically written as possible. I know it has to be written; I put it in too. I’ll assume you’re a sociopath if you don’t. But don’t bang on about it.

What else can you do that I don’t know about? Can you do the splits without crying? Can you dismantle a pram without aggressively shaking it at some point? If you’ve walked out on a family BBQ because backyard cricket “got too real” I want to know about it. God’s in the details.

3)   Don’t start with ‘well I guess this is the part where I write about myself eh?’ Or ‘My friends say that I can’t leave this part blank’ Or ‘Hmmm, what to say about me…’

You know what guys? Sort your shit out before you take to the keyboard. All that ‘hilarious’ thinking you’re doing on the page, which you want me to read as ‘quirky’ and ‘vulnerable’ and ‘self-reflective’ comes across as ‘no real sense of humour’, ‘disingenuous’ and ‘may not be able to lift me up while we have sex’. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that’s what I’m taking away from the piece. I’m a little person, it shouldn’t be too much to ask.

4)   Don’t include pictures of you and hot bitches you once dated. It stinks of insecurity. Reverse psychology and playing hard to get have no place on a dating website. In fact, they’re designed so that single people (not always) can avoid that bullshit. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ve dated in the past, and if you haven’t, I’m not going to hold that against you. But putting in pictures of you and two, drunk chicks fawning all over you don’t float my boat. If anything, they make me want to ignore the boat and see which other boats might be more seaworthy.

5)   Don’t include pictures of you and hot bitches. This is not a typo. I’ve just seen it so many times that I feel it needs reiterating.

6)   I get it; you’ve done a marathon. For every sensible picture of you plastered in a tuxedo at your mate’s wedding is a hero shot of you breaking the finishing line with your arms in the air. BTDubs: Sneaking in the charity’s name? Very clever. But bad news; I hate joggers, so you are just a jogger that likes it for heaps longer than usual. Buh bow.

7)   Pictures of your dilated pupils, wearing metallic face paint and a fluorescent headband gives me a pretty clear idea as to your recreational hobbies. Please keep these photos in; my ‘dickometer’ isn’t as sharp as it used to be.

8)   Put your real height. If I’m shallow enough that a minimum height is necessary, and you want to see if you can negotiate around that with personality, you don’t have a very high opinion of yourself (no pun intended). You should be with a woman who loves you for who you are; I am not that woman. I am a paradoxical feminist who has held onto an archaic, irrelevant, sexist dogma that the man should be taller than the woman. It’s the only weird tradition that I hold onto. No, I have no idea why. Possibly because all the men I have dated have been quite tall so I think kissing without painfully craning your neck to be weird and unnatural. If other women/men combos don’t adhere to this, I applaud you. You’re the normal ones. This really is not you, it’s me.

9)   In your “what you’re looking for” section don’t put the names of other women. It says, “what you’re looking for” not “looking at”. We all have a physical type we’re attracted to, and sometimes a celebrity will personify that type. Great. I’m glad you’ve learnt that about yourself – now stick it in your wank bank, where it will have a nurturing home and tell me what you want in my brain or personality. You’re going to know whether you like my face/body when you look at my photos, and if you’re not into it, then you won’t contact me – mission accomplished.

10) Avoid pictures of you wearing a hat at any cost, and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT USE THAT FOR YOUR PROFILE PICTURE. Hats say three things: I bought this on holidays and am trying to work it uncomfortably into my everyday life, I participate in detective role-playing games at the weekends or I’m bald. I gots no problem with a bald dude, but I want to know what I’m walking into. And for our vacationing brothers – a fedora is a bold choice for anyone to be photographed in so I’m going to assume you’re either super confident or super deluded. Will I be curious enough to find out the answer? Prolly not.

11) Don’t mention your sister too much. I’ve seen a lot of sister chat. I really like that you’re close to your sister, that you get along with and respect women, but sometimes I get the feeling she’s gonna be on our first date. Strangely, the hovering judgement of a sibling is not a turn on, so try to keep it to a single mention.

12) Call me cray cray, but maybe don’t write that you kept the animals at the recent end of your long-term relationship. Not joking: I’ve seen photos of custody cats more than three times. Why is this helpful to anyone? This is the Good Ship Fresh Start! We all have baggage, but most of us are at least standing in front of the bulging cupboard doors we have crammed it into. Can’t you at least pretend that this is not a bandaid to get you to the next D & M about Connie’s favourite box set?

So these are just my guidelines, not hard and fast rules. In fact given that I’ve not been on a single date in the weeks that I’ve been online (I won’t call it online dating until I’ve been on one) maybe don’t listen to anything I’ve said at all.

It’s courageous stuff putting yourself out there in the first place, and I wish people more luck than I have had in giving it a red, hot go!


Sexy Goggle Face